11 Months

My Dearest Jordan, 

Today you would be 11 months old. I can barely wrap my head around the fact that your 1st birthday is rapidly approaching. The past [almost] 3 months have been so hard. I miss your smile, your attitude, the way you snuggled under mommy, the way you smiled when ONLY mommy kissed your stinky feet and stinky neck. I miss the way you completely disregarded me when your daddy came...but hey, no hard feelings. I know you are resting (or cutting up) in the arms of our Heavenly Father, however that doesn't take the pain away. In just 8 short months you changed me and everyone you came in contact with. Baby boy, medical professionals said you changed the way they looked at their job---at medicine---that's huge!! God used you to spread love, joy, and to simply show others that God is real and He does perform miracles. Although I would give my entire life to have you here with us, I still thank God for allowing us to witness a miracle. I pleaded with God. I asked Him to heal you on Earth, not in Heaven. I'm not completely proud of that, but you're my baby and I am human. I was not ready to let go. But, just because He didn't, doesn't mean He can't. So even though we weep, we rejoice because you made a decision to rest. You didn't give up, nor did you "lose" a battle. You won baby and mommy is SO proud! Continue to watch over us. I promise your legacy lives on. 

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always 

As long as I'm living 

My Jordan you'll be. 

Rest on baby boy---mommy loves you. 

-Mama 

A New Normal

Anxiety is something I've dealt with for years. I have an over active brain that never shuts off. It's always been somewhat manageable ...until now. Never in a million years did I think I'd lose a child...my first child. There are no words to describe the pain so I won't try. These days my focus is on healing; trying to mend together the broken pieces of my heart. However, this is much harder than I could have ever imagined (not that I ever really tried to imagine). For some odd reason, I have this irrational fear that people want me to move on. Keep in mind, I did say irrational---so no one has verbalized this---it could very well be a figment of my imagination. But it drives me nuts thinking that I have to act "together" all while internally falling apart. It takes an act of congress to get out of bed and assume daily activities. But I have to, right? Life goes on, right? I don't know.

I'm not sure how many of you suffer from anxiety but it is real and it will drive you insane. If you battle with anxiety, please know there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help.

Back to my over active brain. On a typical day, I replay my to do lists over and over in my head. Does it make the list smaller? Absolutely not but it's something that I haven't been able to control ---no matter how hard I try. I replay conversations in my head and I overthink [most] simple situations. It's me. While I use to be ashamed, I've learned to accept it get the necessary help. Everyday since October 30, 2016, I replay the events in my head. From the time I kissed Jordan goodnight, to the time I called to check on him, to 1 hour later when I received a phone call , and finally the dreaded 5:07 a.m. I guess this is my way of trying to subconsciously trying to change the outcome. I know that he's no longer on Earth, yet I can't seem to accept it. Most people say it gets better with time ....I'm indifferent. The days are getting longer and the burden is far too heavy. After speaking to several [professionals] and friends,I've been told the same thing....that I'm putting unrealistic expectations on my healing. Who me? I'm no overachiever & I'm definitely not the one who is up for a challenge. So how in the world am I pushing myself?! Again, obviously I'm doing it without even realizing it and it's driving me insane.

I laugh, I smile and try to carry out my day to day activities. Within a few hours, I'm completely drained. This is hard to accept because I'm such a people person. People energize me---or they use to. I (and others) have to accept the fact that the old NaToya is gone...she's not coming back. Jordan changed my life in ways I could never imagine and losing him completely devastated me. I. Am. Not. The. Same. Nor can I force myself to be the "old me". It's draining and unrealistic.
I guess I said all of that to say ..
1) I hope you're still reading.
2) If you struggle with anxiety, get help. You may be able to manage it alone, but some of us aren't as fortunate. Panic attacks aren't a good feeling---so please don't suffer in silence.
3) As always, please continue to pray for us. I feel like I'm always asking for prayers but it's the ONLY way we've made it this far. Please, please don't stop now.

From the heart,
NaToya

I'm not okay...

Today makes one month without my sweet, happy, juicy Jordan. I don't know why it has taken me so long to finish this (obviously I started on the 30th) but here we are...still standing. To say this year has been stressful is an understatement. Yesterday I made a vow to myself. I will stop lying ::gasp:: yes, I've been lying to everyone and it's time to face the truth. I often get the dreaded question, "How are you?" I [typically] answer with, "I'm fine..taking it day by day." I am taking it day by day, but I am not okay. No, I'm not and I think that is perfectly fine. 

I just lost my son...I'm not okay. 

Even a "good" day is a bad day...

As much as I hated the beeps and dings of the NICU, I miss it...

I long for days and nights rocking my little cuddle bug...

One more hug, kiss, smile...

My pregnancy was cut short...

I'll never experience a natural delivery...

I will not be able to plan a Super Jordan themed 1st birthday party... 

The person that grew inside of me and made me a mom is no longer on Earth, but in Heaven...

Even though I smile and say "I'm fine"...I'm really not okay 

...but I will be. 

Jordan was and will always be part of our lives. He made us parents and we are so honored. The outcome is not what we expected or prayed for, but our God is still good. Our God still performed a miracle right before our eyes and that is what we have to (and encourage you to) focus on. I've had days that I just cry out to God and beg him to show me why this happened. Why didn't you save my son? Why did you take him away from me? Why us? In the midst of my questioning, I stop and begin to actually listen. It is then that I hear...He was mine first. Jordan fulfilled his purpose on Earth and now it is up to you and Joey to carry on his legacy. Is that what I wanted to to hear? Absolutely not! However, every time I want to get angry at God, I hear the same voice. WOW. 

I have no idea what God is about to do in our lives, but we are praying with open eyes, ears and hearts that we be obedient to Him. The enemy doesn't want me to tell Jordan's story (which is probably why it has taken me so long to post this). He doesn't want God to get the glory...which is all the more reason for us to #fightthroughit. The days are hard and the nights are long, but we WILL get through this. The same God that got us through 8 months is the same God that will get us through this tough time. I get angry, frustrated, and downright depressed...but deep in my heart I know that God is still good and that we have to keep telling Jordan's story. My baby never left the hospital, yet he touched thousands of lives...I am one proud mama. 

We haven't gotten around to individual thank you notes (they are coming) but once again we say THANK YOU. You all are awesome. There is so much ugliness in the world, but it is during times such as these we are reminded that good people do exist. The prayers, texts, calls, cards, gifts, flowers...everything...thank you!! The other day I was showing my sister some of the gifts we have received and she said "Y'all have received some of the most thoughtful gifts!" It's true and we thank you. I ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. Please pray for peace and understanding. Pray for our strength as we continue to #fightthroughit. Pray that we be obedient to God as we enter this chapter of our lives. 

We love y'all

Joey & NaToya