Anxiety is something I've dealt with for years. I have an over active brain that never shuts off. It's always been somewhat manageable ...until now. Never in a million years did I think I'd lose a child...my first child. There are no words to describe the pain so I won't try. These days my focus is on healing; trying to mend together the broken pieces of my heart. However, this is much harder than I could have ever imagined (not that I ever really tried to imagine). For some odd reason, I have this irrational fear that people want me to move on. Keep in mind, I did say irrational---so no one has verbalized this---it could very well be a figment of my imagination. But it drives me nuts thinking that I have to act "together" all while internally falling apart. It takes an act of congress to get out of bed and assume daily activities. But I have to, right? Life goes on, right? I don't know.
I'm not sure how many of you suffer from anxiety but it is real and it will drive you insane. If you battle with anxiety, please know there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help.
Back to my over active brain. On a typical day, I replay my to do lists over and over in my head. Does it make the list smaller? Absolutely not but it's something that I haven't been able to control ---no matter how hard I try. I replay conversations in my head and I overthink [most] simple situations. It's me. While I use to be ashamed, I've learned to accept it get the necessary help. Everyday since October 30, 2016, I replay the events in my head. From the time I kissed Jordan goodnight, to the time I called to check on him, to 1 hour later when I received a phone call , and finally the dreaded 5:07 a.m. I guess this is my way of trying to subconsciously trying to change the outcome. I know that he's no longer on Earth, yet I can't seem to accept it. Most people say it gets better with time ....I'm indifferent. The days are getting longer and the burden is far too heavy. After speaking to several [professionals] and friends,I've been told the same thing....that I'm putting unrealistic expectations on my healing. Who me? I'm no overachiever & I'm definitely not the one who is up for a challenge. So how in the world am I pushing myself?! Again, obviously I'm doing it without even realizing it and it's driving me insane.
I laugh, I smile and try to carry out my day to day activities. Within a few hours, I'm completely drained. This is hard to accept because I'm such a people person. People energize me---or they use to. I (and others) have to accept the fact that the old NaToya is gone...she's not coming back. Jordan changed my life in ways I could never imagine and losing him completely devastated me. I. Am. Not. The. Same. Nor can I force myself to be the "old me". It's draining and unrealistic.
I guess I said all of that to say ..
1) I hope you're still reading.
2) If you struggle with anxiety, get help. You may be able to manage it alone, but some of us aren't as fortunate. Panic attacks aren't a good feeling---so please don't suffer in silence.
3) As always, please continue to pray for us. I feel like I'm always asking for prayers but it's the ONLY way we've made it this far. Please, please don't stop now.
From the heart,
NaToya
