11 Months

My Dearest Jordan, 

Today you would be 11 months old. I can barely wrap my head around the fact that your 1st birthday is rapidly approaching. The past [almost] 3 months have been so hard. I miss your smile, your attitude, the way you snuggled under mommy, the way you smiled when ONLY mommy kissed your stinky feet and stinky neck. I miss the way you completely disregarded me when your daddy came...but hey, no hard feelings. I know you are resting (or cutting up) in the arms of our Heavenly Father, however that doesn't take the pain away. In just 8 short months you changed me and everyone you came in contact with. Baby boy, medical professionals said you changed the way they looked at their job---at medicine---that's huge!! God used you to spread love, joy, and to simply show others that God is real and He does perform miracles. Although I would give my entire life to have you here with us, I still thank God for allowing us to witness a miracle. I pleaded with God. I asked Him to heal you on Earth, not in Heaven. I'm not completely proud of that, but you're my baby and I am human. I was not ready to let go. But, just because He didn't, doesn't mean He can't. So even though we weep, we rejoice because you made a decision to rest. You didn't give up, nor did you "lose" a battle. You won baby and mommy is SO proud! Continue to watch over us. I promise your legacy lives on. 

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always 

As long as I'm living 

My Jordan you'll be. 

Rest on baby boy---mommy loves you. 

-Mama 

A New Normal

Anxiety is something I've dealt with for years. I have an over active brain that never shuts off. It's always been somewhat manageable ...until now. Never in a million years did I think I'd lose a child...my first child. There are no words to describe the pain so I won't try. These days my focus is on healing; trying to mend together the broken pieces of my heart. However, this is much harder than I could have ever imagined (not that I ever really tried to imagine). For some odd reason, I have this irrational fear that people want me to move on. Keep in mind, I did say irrational---so no one has verbalized this---it could very well be a figment of my imagination. But it drives me nuts thinking that I have to act "together" all while internally falling apart. It takes an act of congress to get out of bed and assume daily activities. But I have to, right? Life goes on, right? I don't know.

I'm not sure how many of you suffer from anxiety but it is real and it will drive you insane. If you battle with anxiety, please know there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help.

Back to my over active brain. On a typical day, I replay my to do lists over and over in my head. Does it make the list smaller? Absolutely not but it's something that I haven't been able to control ---no matter how hard I try. I replay conversations in my head and I overthink [most] simple situations. It's me. While I use to be ashamed, I've learned to accept it get the necessary help. Everyday since October 30, 2016, I replay the events in my head. From the time I kissed Jordan goodnight, to the time I called to check on him, to 1 hour later when I received a phone call , and finally the dreaded 5:07 a.m. I guess this is my way of trying to subconsciously trying to change the outcome. I know that he's no longer on Earth, yet I can't seem to accept it. Most people say it gets better with time ....I'm indifferent. The days are getting longer and the burden is far too heavy. After speaking to several [professionals] and friends,I've been told the same thing....that I'm putting unrealistic expectations on my healing. Who me? I'm no overachiever & I'm definitely not the one who is up for a challenge. So how in the world am I pushing myself?! Again, obviously I'm doing it without even realizing it and it's driving me insane.

I laugh, I smile and try to carry out my day to day activities. Within a few hours, I'm completely drained. This is hard to accept because I'm such a people person. People energize me---or they use to. I (and others) have to accept the fact that the old NaToya is gone...she's not coming back. Jordan changed my life in ways I could never imagine and losing him completely devastated me. I. Am. Not. The. Same. Nor can I force myself to be the "old me". It's draining and unrealistic.
I guess I said all of that to say ..
1) I hope you're still reading.
2) If you struggle with anxiety, get help. You may be able to manage it alone, but some of us aren't as fortunate. Panic attacks aren't a good feeling---so please don't suffer in silence.
3) As always, please continue to pray for us. I feel like I'm always asking for prayers but it's the ONLY way we've made it this far. Please, please don't stop now.

From the heart,
NaToya

I'm not okay...

Today makes one month without my sweet, happy, juicy Jordan. I don't know why it has taken me so long to finish this (obviously I started on the 30th) but here we are...still standing. To say this year has been stressful is an understatement. Yesterday I made a vow to myself. I will stop lying ::gasp:: yes, I've been lying to everyone and it's time to face the truth. I often get the dreaded question, "How are you?" I [typically] answer with, "I'm fine..taking it day by day." I am taking it day by day, but I am not okay. No, I'm not and I think that is perfectly fine. 

I just lost my son...I'm not okay. 

Even a "good" day is a bad day...

As much as I hated the beeps and dings of the NICU, I miss it...

I long for days and nights rocking my little cuddle bug...

One more hug, kiss, smile...

My pregnancy was cut short...

I'll never experience a natural delivery...

I will not be able to plan a Super Jordan themed 1st birthday party... 

The person that grew inside of me and made me a mom is no longer on Earth, but in Heaven...

Even though I smile and say "I'm fine"...I'm really not okay 

...but I will be. 

Jordan was and will always be part of our lives. He made us parents and we are so honored. The outcome is not what we expected or prayed for, but our God is still good. Our God still performed a miracle right before our eyes and that is what we have to (and encourage you to) focus on. I've had days that I just cry out to God and beg him to show me why this happened. Why didn't you save my son? Why did you take him away from me? Why us? In the midst of my questioning, I stop and begin to actually listen. It is then that I hear...He was mine first. Jordan fulfilled his purpose on Earth and now it is up to you and Joey to carry on his legacy. Is that what I wanted to to hear? Absolutely not! However, every time I want to get angry at God, I hear the same voice. WOW. 

I have no idea what God is about to do in our lives, but we are praying with open eyes, ears and hearts that we be obedient to Him. The enemy doesn't want me to tell Jordan's story (which is probably why it has taken me so long to post this). He doesn't want God to get the glory...which is all the more reason for us to #fightthroughit. The days are hard and the nights are long, but we WILL get through this. The same God that got us through 8 months is the same God that will get us through this tough time. I get angry, frustrated, and downright depressed...but deep in my heart I know that God is still good and that we have to keep telling Jordan's story. My baby never left the hospital, yet he touched thousands of lives...I am one proud mama. 

We haven't gotten around to individual thank you notes (they are coming) but once again we say THANK YOU. You all are awesome. There is so much ugliness in the world, but it is during times such as these we are reminded that good people do exist. The prayers, texts, calls, cards, gifts, flowers...everything...thank you!! The other day I was showing my sister some of the gifts we have received and she said "Y'all have received some of the most thoughtful gifts!" It's true and we thank you. I ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. Please pray for peace and understanding. Pray for our strength as we continue to #fightthroughit. Pray that we be obedient to God as we enter this chapter of our lives. 

We love y'all

Joey & NaToya

Jordan's Journey

I feel like I always preface my blogs with "I know it's been a while since I last updated"..so let's just get that out of the way. It's not that I haven't had time, it's more so me trying to find the right words to say. 

Jordan's Stats: 

Age: 6 months actual, 2.5 months adjusted 

Weight: 10lb 6oz 

Whew! We've been at this for 184 days...6 months...half a year! That's insane! Many ask how we do it and my answer remains the same..."God's grace is sufficient." He has given us everything and everyone we need to get through this journey. There are days when I feel like no one understands what we are going through. Like at the end of the day, we are the ones who have to go home without our baby. There is no sense of normalcy...none. Our lives were flipped upside down within 48 hours. We didn't have time to prepare for this. We did everything "right" and still ended up in this situation. These are just a few thoughts that I have daily. But again I say, God's grace is sufficient. 

This journey has taught me a lot about myself. My faith has grown tremendously and many things just have a new meaning. I now know what it truly means to take things "one day at a time". I'm such a planner and this whole ordeal has thrown me for a loop. You mean you can't give me deadlines? Timelines? A schedule of events? LOL!! (Just my style). I have little chats with God all throughout the day. I have learned to tell him exactly what I need, but also ask that His will be done. That's really hard because I always struggle with my will vs His will. What if they don't align? That's a rhetorical question. I often picture this scenario in my head. It may seem silly, but it gets me through. I cry out to God. While holding a coffee cup (because I love coffee, duh!) He pours me a little grace  and adds a dash of strength. He pours me just enough to get through each day, sometimes just enough for the next hour. I thank Him for what He's done and we start over the next day. I ask, He pours. You see the pattern? My cup runneth over! I'm reminded of a hymn we use to sing, "He'll pour you out a blessing...you won't have room to receive". So even on the toughest days I rest in the fact that I KNOW God's grace is sufficient. There's never been a day that I felt like God left us...never.  

Ok enough about me. Half of you have stopped reading because you came here to read an update on Jordan LOL! But, I needed to share that with you. 

There are many things about Jordan that I have yet to share and I'm certain that's why many of you wonder why he's still hospitalized. Here we go: Jordan was born extremely premature (25 weeks). Not only was he premature, but he extremely small for a 25 weeker...he was approximately the size of maybe a 21-22 weeker. Crazy, right? So taking all of that into consideration, we can assume that his lungs were severely underdeveloped. Immediately after birth, he was placed on a ventilator to assist him in breathing. The vent is a blessing and a curse, as it damaged his already premature lungs ...but, he needed the support. See? Nothing is black and white ::sigh:: So right now Jordan's lungs are healing. Yes, they've healed a bit, but they still have a ways to go. When I really think about it, I'm like wow..6 months is actually a short amount of time when you look at everything he's been through. I'd still be recovering too! Oh, and let's not forget he had a heart surgery when he was only 3 lbs! My baby is a true fighter and we could not be more proud! We've had meetings with our neonatologist, pulmonologist & cardiologist. No matter how many questions we have, the answer is still the same ...time & good nutrition. THAT is what Jordan needs. The more he grows, the more his lungs will grow. I'm sure you're saying well he's 10lbs! Yes, he is quite the chunk, but he has to keep growing. The good thing is, he is progressing...and that's what matters most. It's hard to [not] focus on the time, but we have to remember how far he's come. Many did not expect Jordan to make it through delivery, or the first night...but God! He had a very rocky few weeks and a very tough recovery after surgery...but God. So even though we want our baby boy home, we have to be patient. (I'm secretly rolling my eyes because patience is not my strong area)....but what other choice do we have? I have to tell myself "If you were 1lb 1oz you would still need a little oxygen support too!" So where do we go from here? We wait. We give him the oxygen he needs while his lungs continue to grow. We don't know how long it's going to take and we certainly don't want to rush him. We know what steps he has to take to come home, but we have absolutely no idea how long that will take. I wish I could say that he's coming home on September 24th at 12:30pm LOL but no one knows. So yes I cringe a little bit inside everytime I'm asked but please know that we honestly do not know. Every baby is different and every day in the NICU is different. 

Thank you for your constant prayers and your support. God speaks to many of you because on the toughest days I'll receive an uplifting text...thank you! Please continue to pray that Jordan's lungs get stronger by the day so we can decrease his oxygen support. I also ask that you pray that his heart continues to function the way it's suppose to. Lastly, I ask that you pray for our strength...mama and daddy are still adjusting to this new normal. Thanks so much! We love y'all! 

Love, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan Sanders 

Jordan's Journey: Week 17

Ok let me first say that I'm aware I've missed a couple (ok maybe more) of weeks. I've started back working and let me tell you, life comes at you fast! 

Today Jordan is 4 months old and weighs 6lb 7oz! I'm having a really hard time believing that my baby boy has been here for 4 whole months!! Insane, right?! He is so alert now! His face lights up when we come in and he smiles and plays with us! Sunday was honestly the first day he really lit up when we walked in. It was Father's Day and I think he knew it....absolutely made Joey's day! He's becoming a big boy right before our eyes and it's so amazing to watch him grow. It's crazy because although he's 4 months (actual), he's only 2 weeks (adjusted). This gets a little confusing but here's the deal: Jordan was born on 2/22 which makes him 4 months old. However, his due date was 6/5 so technically he should only be 2 weeks old. Most of his progress will be tracked by his adjusted age until he's 2. It's very confusing but don't worry, you don't have to keep up with it LOL. 

121 days ago I never would have guessed our journey would be this long. Shoot, even a month ago I thought we would be home by now....but we aren't. Am I okay with that? Well...it depends on which day you ask me. But for the most part, yes I am okay with it. A friend asked me "Do you have a hard time staying positive at this point in the journey?" I told her there are days when I feel downright defeated, but I try to pick myself right back up. It's very easy to get sucked into a routine .... Work, pump, NICU, pump, eat, pump, work some more ...you get the picture. However, I try to focus on the good because the positive will always outweigh the negative. I also rely heavily on your thoughts and prayers. You guys have been a constant source of encouragement during this time and it definitely helps to have people praying for you when you can't pray for yourself ---Joey and I are forever grateful. 

Right now we are focusing on Jordan's oxygen needs. Over the weekend, he had a minor setback and we had to increase a few pressures, but as you know...minor setbacks produce MAJOR comebacks. He gets frequent X-rays and echocardiograms to check his lungs. We know that in this stage of the journey, time is the best healer....so we wait. 

I'm not going to sugar coat it, this is hard. Very hard. Most days I leave the NICU in tears because it hurts so bad walking out of those doors without my son. This journey is emotionally taxing. I've seen things that no one should ever have to see and heard things that no one should ever have to hear. Lately I've had a really hard time sleeping because when I leave the NICU, the NICU comes home with me (if that makes sense). In the midst of this all, I say...but God! Life is hard...but God is good! Each day presents new challenges...but God grants us new mercies each morning. I am weak...but God is strong. You see, that's the point of it all. God IS the author and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). He has been writing Jordan's story well before he was conceived.  I try to find solace in knowing that there is a reason for this all and when it's all said and done, it will be far greater than we could ever imagine. As always, thank you for your thoughts and most importantly your prayers. 

With love, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan 

Jordan's Journey: Week 13

Jordan's Journey: Week 13 

Joey & I get tons of questions about Jordan's health...discharge dates etc. So today I have decided to make a list of Frequently Asked Questions. Here we go: 

Q:How much does Jordan weigh? 

A: Jordan is now 4 lb 6.5 oz 

Q: What's the magic number? What weight does he have to be to come home?

A: Unfortunately there is no magic number. I think many people have the misconception that prematurity = small but it's so much more. While some babies only have to grow, others are presented with challenges. So yes, we want him to gain weight because that's extremely important, but we also want him healthy. 

Q: Have they given you a projected discharge date? 

A: No. The staff has been very transparent about Jordan's progress. However, no one is able to predict anything. One day a baby may be on o2 support & in critical condition and the next day he or she may be breathing with no need for respiratory support...it's truly a day to day journey. We are confident that Jordan will come home soon. Whether that be 1 month from now or 5 months from now. 

Jordan's Journey is one of his own. Considering the circumstances (15 weeks early, 1lb 1 oz, heart surgery) I'd say he's doing extremely well. I have to constantly tell myself "he's not even suppose to be here yet" as my due date was June 5. Yes it gets tiring. Yes it gets frustrating. Yes I often feel like I just can't make it another day. But  God has equipped us with everything (people) we need to get through this journey. Your support means so much to us and we ask that you continue to lift us in prayer. 

With love, 

Joey, NaToya & Jordan 

Hold On...

Yesterday I had a conversation with God. It went a little like this...

God: Girl! You know better than to doubt me. Haven't I shown my faithfulness time and time again? (Ok maybe he didn't say girl)

Me: I know I know but God if you're going to put me in this situation you have got to help me get through it because I can't do it alone. 

God: Many times we must go through hardship and pain to see the promise God has for us. Are you enduring something right now? Trust God through it and find peace.

Now before you ask, no God didn't say this to me but I read it in my devotion last night. God always speaks to me through verses, songs or scriptures. So I know this was His response to my specific situation. 

To say the past few weeks have been tough is an understatement. I'm literally tipping the scale of insanity. However, every time I'm close to the edge I'm given a gentle (sometimes not so gentle) reminder that God is still good and He is still in control. 

So today I tell you as a dear friend just told me...hold on. God is preparing you for something. Yes, it's hard..very hard...but never lose faith. Try to look past your circumstances [today] and know that greater is on the horizon. 

xoxo 

NaToya Rae

Jordan's Journey: Week 10

Sooooooo I have a ton of news! I'll try to be concise (yea right, who am I kidding?) Last week I told you about Jordan's recovery. It was rough...to say the least. His vent settings were on 90-100% for a few days and his pressures were really high. They also put him on nitric oxide (inhaled) to help with the pulmonary hypertension. As you can imagine, we had a lot going on. Joey and I were faced with some tough decisions. I knew parenting would be tough, but I didn't realize we would have to make these types of decisions this soon. So naturally we weighed our pros and cons and prayed for guidance. 

After consulting with various doctors, we made a decision. Moving forward, Jordan has made leaps and bounds. They were able to wean his o2 as low as 34%. For a few days he hovered around 35-45%. Each day, his CO2 levels were perfect (their words not mine) so they began weaning the pressure on his vent. They only weaned by one but each day I would tell them that's enough for me! We celebrate every step forward! Day after day we would see signs of progression. I think the doctor even got a little excited :). 

Jordan hadn't been weighed since the day before surgery because he's been so touchy and they wanted him to rest. Friday night they weighed him and said that he gained 500 grams!!..which would put him right at 4 lbs!! They nurses didn't quite believe the gain because he was still a little puffy from surgery... of course I said it was right. My baby hadn't been weighed in 10 days so it was possible! The next day they weighed him and the scale showed about the same, give or take a few grams. Yesterday they started him on a dose of lasix to help with the fluid retention. So last night he lost a little but weighed in at 3 lbs 11 oz! I am ONE HAPPY MAMA! Can you believe it?! I mean I can! But can you?! From 1 lb 1 oz to 3 lb 11oz in 2 months!!! We are so proud. But the excitement doesn't end there ...... 

Last night I called to check on Jordan around midnight. The nurse said "Well, he's done something." I'm like omg what has he done. She proceeds to tell me that he decided to turn his head and self extubate (for like the 100th time). However, this time they tried him off the vent!....and he's still off!!!!! After 71 long days, my baby is off the vent!!! Go King go!! He currently has a nasal cannula (prongs in his nose) and since this morning, they have been able to decrease his o2 needs. I can't even tell you how excited I am! So we are patiently waiting and praying that he's able to stay off. He had to do things in his own time, when he was ready. I guess he's had enough! 

Last thing...I got to do kangaroo care today. I haven't mentioned it, but I haven't been able to hold him since early March due to fear of extubation and surgery. So today is a breathe of fresh air. He needed to be held and mommy needed to hold him. 

Our hearts are full. Please continue to pray that he maintains his breathing without ventilation support. As always, thank you for the thoughts and prayers. 

With love, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan Sanders 

Jordan's Journey: Weeks 8 & 9

This time last week we were pacing the floors, biting our nails (well I was) and going over consent forms with Dr. Dodge-Khatami, the Cardiothoracic Surgeon who performed Jordan's ligation. We prayed with the team & proceeded to the OR. Of course, we weren't allowed to go back, but of course I wanted to ride the elevator and give my baby a pep talk. As the elevator doors opened and they wheeled his incubator out, my heart dropped. Yes, I have faith and I refuse to question my God...but a part of me was terrified. This is my baby...my 3 lb baby going into surgery. I refuse to speak negative thoughts but you can imagine the thoughts running through my head. I immediately went to my quiet place and prayed that every ounce of worry leave my body....and it did! I knew that God would take care of my baby. 

After surgery we met with Dr. Dodge-khatami for updates. He assured us that surgery went well--free of complications. Praise God! They wheeled Jordan back down to the NICU and we were thrilled to see him lying there like such a big boy. Yes, he was sedated but in mommy's eyes he was completely unbothered. Take a minute to visualize the team wheeling him by while we were lined against the wall smiling from ear to ear. LOL! It was like a pep rally. I'm tickled typing this. I'm sure the team thinks we are insane and for some odd reason, I'm okay with that. 

Jordan's recovery has been everything we prepared for. It hasn't been easy, but he's showing signs of improvement each day. While I truly appreciate the "How's Jordan?" questions, please understand that such a simple question requires a complex answer. Oftentimes I'll catch myself saying "getting stronger everyday" to prevent giving you pages of notes that I've compiled during rounds. Yes he is making strides in the right direction, but keep in mind he is in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) so most days the best way to describe his status is "stable". 

We knew that surgery wouldn't be a magic cure and we also knew it would be a rough recovery for his little body. But we rejoice each day because we know God is in control and he has brought us this far. I understand that the doctors and nurses want to see constant improvements, as do we. However, I often remind myself that God's time is not our time. God's timing is perfect. We've already claimed victory and a complete healing, in Jesus' Name. So now we wait. We let go and allow God to do the work that he's been trying to do all along, but we were holding on.

Praise report: Jordan hit 3lb prior to surgery but hasn't been weighed since. He also turned 2 months old on the 22nd!! 

Prayer requests: Please pray that his lungs get stronger so they are able to wean the oxygen support & that he stays free of infection. 

Thank you for the constant thoughts, prayers & sweet messages. 

With love, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan 

Jordan's Journey: Week 7

First and foremost let me report that my big boy is 2 lb 11.5 oz!!! We are so proud of his progress. He's truly living up to the nickname the nurses gave him, Super Jordan! 

The echocardiogram on Monday showed that Jordan's PDA is still open....but that's ok! Just because God didn't doesn't mean that he can't...he just chose a different route for us. He is still faithful and in control. As of now, Jordan will have surgery Monday afternoon. We've been told that there's a strong possibility that his procedure may be pushed back if there's another baby that needs emergency surgery. So, as of right now we are preparing for Monday. 

The surgery is called a PDA ligation. Although the thought of surgery on my little baby is terrifying, Joey and I find peace and comfort in knowing this is the most common procedure in preemies. In fact, we know about 3 families that went through the same procedure & did just fine. 

So please continue to pray for  

1) our strength 

2) Jordan's health 

3) the team of surgeons who will be operating 

With love, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan 

Jordan's Journey: Week 6

Everyone said the NICU life is a roller coaster and it's so true. Last week Jordan was gaining weight like crazy..I mean 1-3 oz a day! He got up to 2 lb 6.5 oz, was eating 19cc of breastmilk every 3 hours and his PICC line was removed! (There's always a but). During rounds the division head, Dr. Savich, decided to give him another round of Ibuprofen to try and close the PDA. We were told that it's a very small chance that it'll close, but it's worth a try ...anything to avoid surgery. So they decreased his feeds to 13 cc and started the treatment. The next day he lost 2 ounces but his belly looked a little full so they stopped feedings all together. We were a little bummed because he lost some and because they had just taken his PICC line out and now had to put an IV in....but they had to do what they had to do. Last night he was given the final dose of ibuprofen. Dr. Desai will repeat the echocardiogram Monday to see if it closed. We've prayed and prayed and now we need your prayers---please pray that the PDA closes. We know surgery is an option but we really really want to avoid it. So please pray with and for us. We are already claiming it because God faithful. So whatever happens, is in His will. 

Jordan also had his eye exam earlier this week. Lots of preemies have what's called Retinopathy of Prematurity. (Google lol) His exam went well and they will repeat it in 2 weeks to make sure it doesn't show any signs of progression. They also warned us that he might be a little irritable after the exam and not to be alarmed if they have to go up on vent settings. The minute they said that I knew what to expect because I know my son. They  went up on his RR for a day because his CO2 levels were really high. However, he's back down on all settings! Thank God! 

As of today they've started his feedings again & will gradually increase over the next few days. They will make no changes to the vent until the echo on Monday. 

This journey isn't easy and it really doesn't get better, but we are getting use to it---you have to or fear and stress will consume you. I use to cry every time I walked into the NICU, but now I walk in and greet each doctor & nurse with a smile. None of this really makes sense but we know that one day it will. For your glory, Lord. 

With love, 

Joey, NaToya & Jordan 

Jordan's Journey: Week 4 & 5

Last week was a little busy for us so I'm going to combine the weeks. Monday we went to the NICU for our normal visit and found a team surrounding Jordan's incubator. At first I thought they were moving him, but I knew that couldn't be true. One of the nurses came over to tell us that he became extubated. This means that his ET (breathing tube) came out. Of course this was very painful for us to see and it's the second time it's happened (while we were there). However, I do understand that it happens and we just have to remain calm and allow the team to do their job.

The next day we returned to celebrate Jordan's 1 month birthday!! I can't believe my baby boy has been with us for 1 whole month! Yes, I took my camera. Yes, I took monthly stickers. Yes, I took a ton of photos. What?! I'd do the same if he were home so why not!? I may be bias, but his pictures are adorable. He even had a pretty fly accessory, Beats by Dre.....or so we called them. They were doing construction right outside of the NICU (go figure) so they gave him earphones. The same day, his heart rate began to rise. The team was concerned that it was an infection, so they began to draw blood and run tests. The following day they had to do a blood transfusion because his hematocrit was low. My sweet baby was exhausted. I just wanted to pick him up and snuggle him, but couldn't until we got the results from the blood culture. The initial results showed a bit of bacteria in his blood so they started him on an antibiotic. Since it came back positive, they had to repeat the culture. After repeating 2x, we got 2 negative cultures!!!! Now, I know you may think something else happened, but I know exactly what happened. Not only did I pray a specific prayer, but I prayed with the expectation that God would answer my prayers...and as always He did.

After such a long week, I claimed that Jordan would have a better week starting Sunday. We took his Easter baskets by and prayed that he always acknowledge what God has done, is doing and is doing to do in his life.

Easter baskets from TT Keitra & Uncle Creston
and TT Snoop & Uncle Eric

He's currently l lb 15.5 oz! His sats have been pretty good..but of course he drops when someone touches him. His daddy says he's dramatic like his mom ::major side eye:: His carbon dioxide levels have improved tremendously and his heart rate has been normal! They have gone up on his feedings, since stopping them last week. This morning Dr. Alur told us that they would continue to wean the respiratory rate (RR) on the ventilator because Jordan has been breathing a lot on his own! The goal is to get him down to a rate of about 20. In addition, he's usually on about 40-45% oxygen but lately he's been camping out around 37-40%. The goal is to get him down to 21% which is what we breathe. ......lastly, they repeated a head ultrasound. This is #3 since birth. They have ALL come back CLEAR! Praise God!!! No brain bleeds and everything is normal! If you remember, we asked you guys to pray specifically for these results so thank you, thank you, thank you!

We are so proud of our baby boy. Joey celebrated his birthday yesterday, so I think Jordan is trying to show out for his daddy. Oh, did I mention Joey came bearing gifts? He surprised us with a stroller/carseat for Jordan! We can't wait to take strolls in it!!

We love it!!

Doctor, nurses and other NICU parents warned us that this journey would be a rollercoaster and that it is but we are making it...day by day. Jordan has been a true fighter through this all and we are so proud of him!! Each day I look at him and I'm reminded of God's grace and mercy...we are so thankful. Thank you for your constant prayers. They are very much needed and appreciated. Please continue to pray that:

1) Jordan continues to gain weight & tolerates his feedings
2) His vitals remain good and they are able to wean his oxygen and respiratory rate

With love,

Joey, NaToya and Jordan

Rest if you must, but don't you quit!

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

There's no sugar coating it. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. But with the help of God, family, friends, and literally hundreds of prayer warriors (you guys), we WILL get through this and we will come out stronger than ever. 

I'm having a hard time processing my feelings. Hospitals, Doctors, nurses, numbers and medical terms have become my life. I hear incubators beeping in my sleep. I'm able to covert grams to pounds and ounces in my head. I never thought this would be my life...but it is. And then...I feel guilty for these thoughts. I feel guilty because several babies didn't make it. How dare I complain about my new normal when someone is grieving the loss of their child? Does that make me ungrateful? I don't know--- that's exactly what I'm struggling with. I ask God for forgiveness because I'm truly thankful. I could never EVER express my sincere gratitude...but I'm still human and humans have feelings. So I need help and prayer in this area. Prayer that I slowly learn how to process my feelings ... Because keeping them bottled inside is no good for me or anyone else. 

Earlier this week I had a follow up appointment to check my blood pressure. Basically the doctor said that due to the type of surgery I had, my recovery will be longer (about 2 more months). I knew c section recovery was longer, but I was cut horizontally and vertically so it will take a little longer. In addition, I'm anemic so I've been having dizzy spells. Everyone says "sit down", "take care of yourself" etc. This is all true---but I honestly think I've been doing a decent job lol. I go to the hospital and back home. It's very difficult to focus on me and rest when my baby is in the NICU. But, I will continue to take care of myself because I have to be well for Jordan.

I have to take a moment to brag on my husband. Joey has been my rock through it all. I'll save all the sappy phrases but each day I thank God for sending me such a wonderful man. Jordan and I are truly blessed to have such a strong man in our lives. He's such a proud daddy. I never knew I could love him more, but when I see how he interacts with Jordan...my heart melts.

Please continue to pray for our strength. Each day I tell myself [in the words of Kendrick Lamar] "we gone be alright" 

xx 

nrs

Jordan's Journey: Week 3

We've had some rather eventful days since I last updated. In the NICU, so much can happen within a few hours and/or minutes. My big boy turned 3 weeks old Monday, and I am elated to report that he has gained more weight! He now weighs 1 lb 8 oz!!!! Go Jordan!!! We are soooo proud of him and we know that he will continue to gain more weight as the weeks go by! I guess it is true---mommy's liquid gold works wonders.

If you remember, I've been talking about the PDA. Last week, they decided that Jordan's blood pressure and vitals were stable enough to start treating the PDA. Dr. Desai told us that it was only a 30-40% chance that the medication would close the duct, but they wanted to give it a try. So, they gave Jordan 3 doses of a medication similar to Ibuprofen over the course of 3 days. Yesterday, they repeated the echocardiogram and the results showed that the PDA is still there. We were hoping to see a change, but we are still very optimistic! Dr. Desai wants to monitor it for a few more weeks, because there still is a possibility that it will close on its own. Maybe I'm just being a mother, but I truly believe that it will close. I've been telling my parents that I think something significant is going to happen soon....something so significant that the doctors will not be able to explain how it happened----but oh, we will know it was only our God!!! What a mighty God we serve!! So for now, we continue to wait and pray that there will be no need for surgical intervention.

Last week they began doing some wiring in NICU North (this is a place for micropreemies that are just born). Jordan was in NICU North with 4 other micopreemies for 2 weeks. They told us we would be moved to the bigger NICU while they worked on the wiring, Unfortunately, we were told that we would not go back to NICU North...they are keeping it for critical babies who were just born. So, even though the bigger room is a major adjustment for mommy (Jordan is adjusting just fine), we are happy that he has "graduated" from NICU North. I'm not sure if I've blogged about the nursing staff but they are the absolute best. They love my baby and treat him like their own. I'd rather not be in this situation, but since I am, I'm glad that we are at UMMC.

Some of you were able to see my post on Facebook last week. I was able to hold Jordan for the first time!!!! After leaving the hospital I received a phone call from my Soror, and one of Jordan's Nurse Practioners, Alisia. She wanted to know if I would be returning to the hospital later that evening. I told her I probably wouldn't since I had already been there earlier. She then said "Well, Dr. Famuyide has a surprise for you. She wants you to come back and do kangaroo care." I'm like whaaaat??? I get to hold my baby?!?! Oh, you know I rushed to the hospital! I really can't explain the feeling, but just know it was a moment I'll forever cherish. Yes, I cried. Ok, I boohoo'd LOL but wouldn't you?! Unfortunately, Joey had JUST left to go back to work so he didn't get to see it. But, he came back 4 days later and was able to do kangaroo care for the first time. Again, I can't put his feelings into words but the smile on his face was p r i c e l e s s. My entire world in a photograph.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power thatis at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

As always, we thank you all for the continued thoughts and prayers. When I think back to the first two weeks of his life, I am overcome with tears. God has truly done more than we could ever ask or imagine. Earlier this week I started to get a little down and I started to ask God to bring us out of this situation. I quickly changed my prayer and asked that He not bring us out, but give us the strength to get through it so when we do, He gets all the glory. We are excited to see how God is going to use Jordan for His glory!! Jordan is God's child. We love him, but God loves him more. And we know that God takes care of His children.

I asked the doctor where we are in terms of progress because I like to ask for specific prayer requests. He basically said the same thing so I know it seems like our requests don't change much from week to week but we are so thankful these are our only major concerns, as things could be much worse.
1. gain weight (and he has)
2. increase feedings (they have increased)
3. decrease oxygen (each day they wean more and more)
please continue to pray that the PDA closes, as I KNOW it will.

With love,

Joey, NaToya and Jordan

Jordan's Journey: Week 2

Our baby boy turned 2 weeks old on Monday! Wow! It seems like it's been months since I was admitted...crazy. If there's one thing I've realized, it is that time is precious. Make each day count.....and that's exactly what we've been doing.

God has continued to show his faithfulness! He has not failed us yet and we are continuing to stand on His promises. Shortly after updating the blog last week we received a phone call from the NICU with not so good news. Again, we were prepared for ups and downs, but can you really ever be fully prepared? Absolutely not. The doctor was worried. Jordan had been diagnosed with PDA.

From what the doctor told us, PDA usually closes after babies are born. Since Jordan is premature, the duct is open and began leaking blood--causing him to need blood transfusions ( a total of 3 thus far). They couldn't treat the PDA because his blood pressure was too high. So naturally, we were worried but we prayed. We asked friends and family for specific prayers---prayers for the duct to close and to stop leaking, for Jordan to gain weight and for his blood pressure to go down. Now, I thank God for the doctors and their wisdom, but we owe all thanks to God (who gives the doctors wisdom). Praise Break: The PDA is still there but today we spoke with one of the top neonatologists and she stressed that we not focus on the PDA, but on Jordan's 3 goals.

Jordan's Goals (Chandler made the one-eyed Valentine)

Apparently, PDA closes in approximately 80% of patients and 20% will need it surgically closed. We are praying that Jordan is in that 80%. Actually, I know he will be---I just believe it. Although the road has been a little shaky and we still have a long way to go, we like to focus on the small victories and celebrate each milestone. I am happy to say that although the duct has yet to close, there has been no more blood leaks! His blood pressure has gone down so they have been able to wean him off of the Dopamine (blood pressure medicine), Insulin (blood sugar medicine) and they've taken him completely off the pain medicine. In addition, he has gained weight..Jordan was born at 1 lb 1 oz and now weighs 1 lb 5 oz! Lastly, they have increased his feedings. They stopped his feedings last week because he was irritated and they were trying to get his vitals stabilized. They have since upped his feedings to 4 mL every 3 hours (they've gone up gradually since 1 cc every 3 hours). Oh, and did I tell you that the 2nd head ultrasound showed no brain bleeds (once again). Doctors said this is a true miracle, as most babies this small have significant brain bleeds. I just can't thank God enough,y'all. In the midst of it all, my baby is still as feisty as can be. Now, you can't tell me prayer doesn't work!! I KNOW it's because of your prayers and again, we thank each of you! I could just shout! These were our specific prayers and God answered each of them! Again, we know we have a long way to go because his little lungs are severely underdeveloped, but there's no doubt in my mind that our baby will be okay. I have a peace that I did not have before and I can now rest knowing that God is truly in control. 

Last week I told you that we were moving into the Ronald McDonald House. Well, we did---but it was short lived. The house is amazing. I am so grateful for those who make constant donations so people like Joey and I can stay close to our baby. Unfortunately, it just did not work out for my emotional well-being. Although I was close to Jordan, it did not feel like home. Nothing in my life is normal right now so I need something--anything to give me comfort. With Joey headed back to work, I knew I would be extremely lonely at the RMH so I contemplated moving back in with my sister. I thought about it for a few days because I felt so guilty for leaving such a wonderful place. Being at the house allowed me to see Jordan everyday, but I realized that I have to take care of myself so I can take care of Jordan. One of my sorority sisters sent me this and it really spoke to me. 

But again, all things happen for a reason. A few of my sorority sisters came to visit me on Sunday. I had been feeling blah all day, but thought seeing them would make me feel better. While visiting, my head began to hurt worse so Roy (a nurse at St. Jude and the one who sent the photo above) decided to take my blood pressure. Unfortunately, it was high and Joey had to take me back to the hospital. The doctors monitored my bp for a few hours and finally released me. I knew then (and Joey insisted) that I had to slow down and take it easy. Sometimes I forget that I did have major surgery just 2 weeks ago. So, we thanked the RMH housing staff and moved back to my sister's house. I pray that us leaving opens a spot for a family who may not be able to see their child daily. I made the best decision for me....because I have to be well for Jordan. Thankfully, I am still able to see him everyday.

I apologize for the long update, but I wanted to get everything in. I know I say it all the time but thank you, thank YOU, THANK YOU for your continued thoughts and prayers. Prayer requests for this week:
1. good oxygen levels
2. increased feedings
3. weight gain

With sincere thanks, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan 

Adjusting to a new norm

Today we checked into the Ronald McDonald House. It's crazy how you never realize the importance of things until you need them. I've always heard of the RMcD House but of course I've never had a reason to stay there. I didn't know much about it, nor did I ever try to do any research on it. While I was in the hospital a lady came by and said that families whose babies are in the NICU are automatically eligible to stay in the RMcD House. So, we put our name on the waiting list and got a call today! Joey will be back tomorrow and mom is leaving tomorrow so it's bittersweet that I have to stay here alone tonight, but I'm thankful to be close to Jordan. We will forever be tied to this house and the other families staying here. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude, as the house is equipped with everything we need----I mean EVERYTHING. It's such a blessing and I'm thankful for those who volunteer and donate each month. 

I think it's finally settling in----the fact that this is my new normal. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not---but again I say, this is obviously God's plan for us and we just have to be faithful and watch it unfold. 

Some of you have asked how I am doing....I'm okay...taking it day by day. I had Jordan via c section so I am still very sore but getting better each day. Some days it's a struggle to get out of bed and get to the hospital, but I'm thankful to have a baby to go and see. So, this is life as we know it. Please continue to pray for our strength and Jordan's healing. I'll post his 2 week update Monday. 

Jordan's Journey: Week 1

Our lives were forever changed on Monday, February 22, 2016 at 12:00 pm. Jordan Kingsley Sanders entered this world. Although his entrance was shocking, unexpected and not how we planned, we know that God's plan is far better than our own. 

The outpour of support has been tremendous and we could never truly express just how much your thoughts and prayers mean to us. This has definitely been the most exhausting week of our lives, but we are standing on God's promise and thanking Him in advance for the miracles we know only He can perform. It's nearly impossible for me to update everyone, so I'll be using my personal blog to keep you abreast Jordan's Journey. 

Again, this past week has been very difficult but each day God has placed someone in our lives to show us that everything will be okay. Jordan came into this world weighing 1 lb 1 oz so he is currently in the NICU at UMMC in Jackson, MS. As you can imagine, the week has been full of ups and downs but we are thankful that most of his complications are due to him being extremely small (no major health concerns). So far he's had 2 blood transfusions because his hematocrit levels were low. We hit a bump in the road when he began to bleed from his lungs but within a day it stopped!...so naturally they've been monitoring it several times a day. His O2 sats have been up and down but mostly up. The 90s are where they should be and Jordan's have been between 90-97! They are having quite a time trying to figure out which oxygen machine is best for Jordan so they've been between 2 for the past week. We are praying that they will find his happy medium very soon. His oxygen levels have also been up and down. One day he was on 100% oxygen which means he was not breathing on his own, but since he's been weaned from 80 to 70...60..50 and one day he was even on 40%! He's gone back and forth all week but he's never been back at 100% and for that we are thankful. 

Today they had to give him pain meds because he was a little irritated so he's resting pretty well. They plan to take out the line in his umbilical cord so hopefully his blood gases will remain stable so there will be no more need to use the line. They have increased his feedings from 1cc every 3 hours to 3cc every 3 hours so we are claiming that my milk will give him just what he needs!

None of this was part of our plan. If Joey and I could take Jordan's place, we would. But, we realize this is Jordan's Journey and it's the path God chose for him. So, we continue to thank God for what he has done and for what we know he can and will do. Again, we can not thank you enough for your continued thoughts and prayers. They are the only thing (besides our faith in God) that has brought us through week 1. We have a long road ahead so please continue to pray for us as well as a few specifics: that the 2nd ultrasound shows no brain bleeds just as before----that all bleeding from the lungs stop and they are able to find his happy place with the oxygen machines---that our little one gains a little weight----and lastly just pray for our strength. 

Thank you, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan 

20 down...20 to go

Well, we are halfway there...I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious! On January 4th we went for our 18 week appointment. We knew that if baby cooperated, we would find out the gender. I was sooooo nervous the entire day--like couldn't focus. So, we get to the ultrasound room and there it is...that strong heartbeat. ::cues:: "open the floodgates..." honey when I say I let the waterworks flow..I mean it. A week prior I started getting really nervous because baby stopped moving (or so I thought). So hearing the sound of that heartbeat was truly a feeling I can not describe.

After wiping tears I heard the tech say, "You see that little thing right there?" I said "Is it a boy??".....yup, it's a boy!!!!! You would have thought Joey won the Superbowl. The smile on his face was one I'm not sure I've ever seen. I mean, we've had lots of milestones and of course our wedding day was special...but this was different. This baby is something that WE created....a blessing from God. We thought about doing cute mailings for the gender reveal but after finding out, we were too anxious to keep the family waiting. So, we made call after call and enjoyed hearing every laugh, squeal and "I knew it". Of course, daddy had to go shopping for his son. He left for the gym and came home with this.

How cute is this??

Pregnancy really has been good to me since finding out that my prenatal vitamins were making me sick. I conducted somewhat of an experiment because I knew I shouldn't be sick every night after every meal. After going back and forth with my pills and my diet, I realized that I would only get sick when I took the vitamins. So, I talked to my doctor and had to switch to those without DHA. Now I feel pretty good...despite the CONSTANT urge to use the restroom. I swear this little boy does karate all day long and then when he gets tired, he tap dances on my bladder. It's so funny but painful at the same time.

I'm really enjoying this journey. I find every little thing amazing! I just thank God for allowing me to experience it. Each night we thank God for his many blessings and pray that he continues to guide us. Ahh the joys of pregnancy...20 weeks down...20 to go!

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 20 weeks 

Size of Baby: About the size of a banana; he was 8 oz at our 18 week appt so I'm excited to see how much he's grown!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I only gained 1lb since my last appointment, so that makes 8 total for the pregnancy.

Maternity Clothes: I bought a few pair of maternity leggings and a sweater (that says mom to be hehe)

Gender: It's a .........BOY!

Movement: He's rarely still...like his mama! I freaked when I felt no movement for 3 days but ever since he's been doing karate and practicing his football kicks. I get so tickled every.single.time I feel a kick.

Sleep: Any suggestions on how to get a fairly good night's sleep? Joey said he would buy me a pregnancy pillow so I'm hoping that helps. I just can't seem to get comfortable.

Cravings/Aversions: I absolutely HATE bologna but one day I called my mom and told her that I wanted the one thing I hated most. She automatically knew it was bologna. I wanted it fried...with a few burnt edges and mustard. Sadly, the craving went away and I'm back disgusted.

Emotions: They are actually on the up and up! I'm feeling much better these days. However, I did get overwhelmed when thinking of all the things I have to do to prepare for life with a tiny human!

What I miss: Nothing really besides having control of my bladder lol

Symptoms: I've been feeling really well. I found out that the DHA in my prenatal vitamins was making me sick...which is why I kept throwing up at night. Since switching I feel much better. This past week I was really tired and it's been harder getting up our stairs but I'm making it!

What I'm looking forward to: Buying stuff for my baby boy!

I Survived My 1st Trimester

I survived my 1st trimester. I can no longer go by what others say, because I've truly learned that every woman's body is different. I know some people who breezed through the first trimester, and others who spent the majority of their days (and nights) at the toilet bowl....go figure. Let's just say this is how I feel.....

We are now at now in our 2nd trimester! Hopefully the morning [all day] sickness will become less frequent and I'll have a little more energy. Things haven't been horrible, but there are some foods that just don't agree with baby. I thought I had it nailed down, but every few days I'm faced with a new surprise. Joey thinks baby is a picky eater---like mommy.

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 14 weeks 4 days

Size of Baby: About the size of a lemon...measuring around 3 inches (will know exact measurements and weight at our next appointment)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Ummm..I've never obsessed over my weight (for obvious reasons) but the nurse confirmed that I gained 7lbs ....in 4 weeks. Whew, only 28 more to go ::blank stare::

Maternity Clothes: Not yet--but I see them in the near future. My pants barely fit and when they do, I definitely can't zip or button them.

Gender: We will find out at our next appointment! 

Movement:I'm not sure. Some moms say they've felt movement or flutters around this time. I thought I felt a flutter last week but I'm not 100% sure. Anyway, I can't wait to feel the baby move!

Sleep: I've never been a consistent sleeper so that's about the same. However, I do get up several times to pee :/

Cravings/Aversions: This is tricky because I've always been a picky eater. One week baby hates Mexican food, the next week I'm craving it. Wanna know the sad part? I LOVE fried catfish and since the beginning of my pregnancy I can't even be around it. The thought alone makes me want to puke. I hope that changes.

Emotions: Let's just say preggo hormones are real. I've always been pretty emotional but now....poor Joey.

What I miss: Nothing really besides having control of my bladder lol

Symptoms: Still dealing with a little nausea every now and then. I'm not as tired as I have been but after I eat it...it's a wrap. My emotions are still all over the place but I'm going to pray on that (lol). I did experience a bit of round ligament pain around week 10-11. It was not a good feeling, but I understand that it's part of the process.

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out the gender!