Rest if you must, but don't you quit!

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

There's no sugar coating it. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. But with the help of God, family, friends, and literally hundreds of prayer warriors (you guys), we WILL get through this and we will come out stronger than ever. 

I'm having a hard time processing my feelings. Hospitals, Doctors, nurses, numbers and medical terms have become my life. I hear incubators beeping in my sleep. I'm able to covert grams to pounds and ounces in my head. I never thought this would be my life...but it is. And then...I feel guilty for these thoughts. I feel guilty because several babies didn't make it. How dare I complain about my new normal when someone is grieving the loss of their child? Does that make me ungrateful? I don't know--- that's exactly what I'm struggling with. I ask God for forgiveness because I'm truly thankful. I could never EVER express my sincere gratitude...but I'm still human and humans have feelings. So I need help and prayer in this area. Prayer that I slowly learn how to process my feelings ... Because keeping them bottled inside is no good for me or anyone else. 

Earlier this week I had a follow up appointment to check my blood pressure. Basically the doctor said that due to the type of surgery I had, my recovery will be longer (about 2 more months). I knew c section recovery was longer, but I was cut horizontally and vertically so it will take a little longer. In addition, I'm anemic so I've been having dizzy spells. Everyone says "sit down", "take care of yourself" etc. This is all true---but I honestly think I've been doing a decent job lol. I go to the hospital and back home. It's very difficult to focus on me and rest when my baby is in the NICU. But, I will continue to take care of myself because I have to be well for Jordan.

I have to take a moment to brag on my husband. Joey has been my rock through it all. I'll save all the sappy phrases but each day I thank God for sending me such a wonderful man. Jordan and I are truly blessed to have such a strong man in our lives. He's such a proud daddy. I never knew I could love him more, but when I see how he interacts with Jordan...my heart melts.

Please continue to pray for our strength. Each day I tell myself [in the words of Kendrick Lamar] "we gone be alright" 

xx 

nrs

Jordan's Journey: Week 3

We've had some rather eventful days since I last updated. In the NICU, so much can happen within a few hours and/or minutes. My big boy turned 3 weeks old Monday, and I am elated to report that he has gained more weight! He now weighs 1 lb 8 oz!!!! Go Jordan!!! We are soooo proud of him and we know that he will continue to gain more weight as the weeks go by! I guess it is true---mommy's liquid gold works wonders.

If you remember, I've been talking about the PDA. Last week, they decided that Jordan's blood pressure and vitals were stable enough to start treating the PDA. Dr. Desai told us that it was only a 30-40% chance that the medication would close the duct, but they wanted to give it a try. So, they gave Jordan 3 doses of a medication similar to Ibuprofen over the course of 3 days. Yesterday, they repeated the echocardiogram and the results showed that the PDA is still there. We were hoping to see a change, but we are still very optimistic! Dr. Desai wants to monitor it for a few more weeks, because there still is a possibility that it will close on its own. Maybe I'm just being a mother, but I truly believe that it will close. I've been telling my parents that I think something significant is going to happen soon....something so significant that the doctors will not be able to explain how it happened----but oh, we will know it was only our God!!! What a mighty God we serve!! So for now, we continue to wait and pray that there will be no need for surgical intervention.

Last week they began doing some wiring in NICU North (this is a place for micropreemies that are just born). Jordan was in NICU North with 4 other micopreemies for 2 weeks. They told us we would be moved to the bigger NICU while they worked on the wiring, Unfortunately, we were told that we would not go back to NICU North...they are keeping it for critical babies who were just born. So, even though the bigger room is a major adjustment for mommy (Jordan is adjusting just fine), we are happy that he has "graduated" from NICU North. I'm not sure if I've blogged about the nursing staff but they are the absolute best. They love my baby and treat him like their own. I'd rather not be in this situation, but since I am, I'm glad that we are at UMMC.

Some of you were able to see my post on Facebook last week. I was able to hold Jordan for the first time!!!! After leaving the hospital I received a phone call from my Soror, and one of Jordan's Nurse Practioners, Alisia. She wanted to know if I would be returning to the hospital later that evening. I told her I probably wouldn't since I had already been there earlier. She then said "Well, Dr. Famuyide has a surprise for you. She wants you to come back and do kangaroo care." I'm like whaaaat??? I get to hold my baby?!?! Oh, you know I rushed to the hospital! I really can't explain the feeling, but just know it was a moment I'll forever cherish. Yes, I cried. Ok, I boohoo'd LOL but wouldn't you?! Unfortunately, Joey had JUST left to go back to work so he didn't get to see it. But, he came back 4 days later and was able to do kangaroo care for the first time. Again, I can't put his feelings into words but the smile on his face was p r i c e l e s s. My entire world in a photograph.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power thatis at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

As always, we thank you all for the continued thoughts and prayers. When I think back to the first two weeks of his life, I am overcome with tears. God has truly done more than we could ever ask or imagine. Earlier this week I started to get a little down and I started to ask God to bring us out of this situation. I quickly changed my prayer and asked that He not bring us out, but give us the strength to get through it so when we do, He gets all the glory. We are excited to see how God is going to use Jordan for His glory!! Jordan is God's child. We love him, but God loves him more. And we know that God takes care of His children.

I asked the doctor where we are in terms of progress because I like to ask for specific prayer requests. He basically said the same thing so I know it seems like our requests don't change much from week to week but we are so thankful these are our only major concerns, as things could be much worse.
1. gain weight (and he has)
2. increase feedings (they have increased)
3. decrease oxygen (each day they wean more and more)
please continue to pray that the PDA closes, as I KNOW it will.

With love,

Joey, NaToya and Jordan

Jordan's Journey: Week 2

Our baby boy turned 2 weeks old on Monday! Wow! It seems like it's been months since I was admitted...crazy. If there's one thing I've realized, it is that time is precious. Make each day count.....and that's exactly what we've been doing.

God has continued to show his faithfulness! He has not failed us yet and we are continuing to stand on His promises. Shortly after updating the blog last week we received a phone call from the NICU with not so good news. Again, we were prepared for ups and downs, but can you really ever be fully prepared? Absolutely not. The doctor was worried. Jordan had been diagnosed with PDA.

From what the doctor told us, PDA usually closes after babies are born. Since Jordan is premature, the duct is open and began leaking blood--causing him to need blood transfusions ( a total of 3 thus far). They couldn't treat the PDA because his blood pressure was too high. So naturally, we were worried but we prayed. We asked friends and family for specific prayers---prayers for the duct to close and to stop leaking, for Jordan to gain weight and for his blood pressure to go down. Now, I thank God for the doctors and their wisdom, but we owe all thanks to God (who gives the doctors wisdom). Praise Break: The PDA is still there but today we spoke with one of the top neonatologists and she stressed that we not focus on the PDA, but on Jordan's 3 goals.

Jordan's Goals (Chandler made the one-eyed Valentine)

Apparently, PDA closes in approximately 80% of patients and 20% will need it surgically closed. We are praying that Jordan is in that 80%. Actually, I know he will be---I just believe it. Although the road has been a little shaky and we still have a long way to go, we like to focus on the small victories and celebrate each milestone. I am happy to say that although the duct has yet to close, there has been no more blood leaks! His blood pressure has gone down so they have been able to wean him off of the Dopamine (blood pressure medicine), Insulin (blood sugar medicine) and they've taken him completely off the pain medicine. In addition, he has gained weight..Jordan was born at 1 lb 1 oz and now weighs 1 lb 5 oz! Lastly, they have increased his feedings. They stopped his feedings last week because he was irritated and they were trying to get his vitals stabilized. They have since upped his feedings to 4 mL every 3 hours (they've gone up gradually since 1 cc every 3 hours). Oh, and did I tell you that the 2nd head ultrasound showed no brain bleeds (once again). Doctors said this is a true miracle, as most babies this small have significant brain bleeds. I just can't thank God enough,y'all. In the midst of it all, my baby is still as feisty as can be. Now, you can't tell me prayer doesn't work!! I KNOW it's because of your prayers and again, we thank each of you! I could just shout! These were our specific prayers and God answered each of them! Again, we know we have a long way to go because his little lungs are severely underdeveloped, but there's no doubt in my mind that our baby will be okay. I have a peace that I did not have before and I can now rest knowing that God is truly in control. 

Last week I told you that we were moving into the Ronald McDonald House. Well, we did---but it was short lived. The house is amazing. I am so grateful for those who make constant donations so people like Joey and I can stay close to our baby. Unfortunately, it just did not work out for my emotional well-being. Although I was close to Jordan, it did not feel like home. Nothing in my life is normal right now so I need something--anything to give me comfort. With Joey headed back to work, I knew I would be extremely lonely at the RMH so I contemplated moving back in with my sister. I thought about it for a few days because I felt so guilty for leaving such a wonderful place. Being at the house allowed me to see Jordan everyday, but I realized that I have to take care of myself so I can take care of Jordan. One of my sorority sisters sent me this and it really spoke to me. 

But again, all things happen for a reason. A few of my sorority sisters came to visit me on Sunday. I had been feeling blah all day, but thought seeing them would make me feel better. While visiting, my head began to hurt worse so Roy (a nurse at St. Jude and the one who sent the photo above) decided to take my blood pressure. Unfortunately, it was high and Joey had to take me back to the hospital. The doctors monitored my bp for a few hours and finally released me. I knew then (and Joey insisted) that I had to slow down and take it easy. Sometimes I forget that I did have major surgery just 2 weeks ago. So, we thanked the RMH housing staff and moved back to my sister's house. I pray that us leaving opens a spot for a family who may not be able to see their child daily. I made the best decision for me....because I have to be well for Jordan. Thankfully, I am still able to see him everyday.

I apologize for the long update, but I wanted to get everything in. I know I say it all the time but thank you, thank YOU, THANK YOU for your continued thoughts and prayers. Prayer requests for this week:
1. good oxygen levels
2. increased feedings
3. weight gain

With sincere thanks, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan