A New Normal

Anxiety is something I've dealt with for years. I have an over active brain that never shuts off. It's always been somewhat manageable ...until now. Never in a million years did I think I'd lose a child...my first child. There are no words to describe the pain so I won't try. These days my focus is on healing; trying to mend together the broken pieces of my heart. However, this is much harder than I could have ever imagined (not that I ever really tried to imagine). For some odd reason, I have this irrational fear that people want me to move on. Keep in mind, I did say irrational---so no one has verbalized this---it could very well be a figment of my imagination. But it drives me nuts thinking that I have to act "together" all while internally falling apart. It takes an act of congress to get out of bed and assume daily activities. But I have to, right? Life goes on, right? I don't know.

I'm not sure how many of you suffer from anxiety but it is real and it will drive you insane. If you battle with anxiety, please know there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help.

Back to my over active brain. On a typical day, I replay my to do lists over and over in my head. Does it make the list smaller? Absolutely not but it's something that I haven't been able to control ---no matter how hard I try. I replay conversations in my head and I overthink [most] simple situations. It's me. While I use to be ashamed, I've learned to accept it get the necessary help. Everyday since October 30, 2016, I replay the events in my head. From the time I kissed Jordan goodnight, to the time I called to check on him, to 1 hour later when I received a phone call , and finally the dreaded 5:07 a.m. I guess this is my way of trying to subconsciously trying to change the outcome. I know that he's no longer on Earth, yet I can't seem to accept it. Most people say it gets better with time ....I'm indifferent. The days are getting longer and the burden is far too heavy. After speaking to several [professionals] and friends,I've been told the same thing....that I'm putting unrealistic expectations on my healing. Who me? I'm no overachiever & I'm definitely not the one who is up for a challenge. So how in the world am I pushing myself?! Again, obviously I'm doing it without even realizing it and it's driving me insane.

I laugh, I smile and try to carry out my day to day activities. Within a few hours, I'm completely drained. This is hard to accept because I'm such a people person. People energize me---or they use to. I (and others) have to accept the fact that the old NaToya is gone...she's not coming back. Jordan changed my life in ways I could never imagine and losing him completely devastated me. I. Am. Not. The. Same. Nor can I force myself to be the "old me". It's draining and unrealistic.
I guess I said all of that to say ..
1) I hope you're still reading.
2) If you struggle with anxiety, get help. You may be able to manage it alone, but some of us aren't as fortunate. Panic attacks aren't a good feeling---so please don't suffer in silence.
3) As always, please continue to pray for us. I feel like I'm always asking for prayers but it's the ONLY way we've made it this far. Please, please don't stop now.

From the heart,
NaToya

I'm not okay...

Today makes one month without my sweet, happy, juicy Jordan. I don't know why it has taken me so long to finish this (obviously I started on the 30th) but here we are...still standing. To say this year has been stressful is an understatement. Yesterday I made a vow to myself. I will stop lying ::gasp:: yes, I've been lying to everyone and it's time to face the truth. I often get the dreaded question, "How are you?" I [typically] answer with, "I'm fine..taking it day by day." I am taking it day by day, but I am not okay. No, I'm not and I think that is perfectly fine. 

I just lost my son...I'm not okay. 

Even a "good" day is a bad day...

As much as I hated the beeps and dings of the NICU, I miss it...

I long for days and nights rocking my little cuddle bug...

One more hug, kiss, smile...

My pregnancy was cut short...

I'll never experience a natural delivery...

I will not be able to plan a Super Jordan themed 1st birthday party... 

The person that grew inside of me and made me a mom is no longer on Earth, but in Heaven...

Even though I smile and say "I'm fine"...I'm really not okay 

...but I will be. 

Jordan was and will always be part of our lives. He made us parents and we are so honored. The outcome is not what we expected or prayed for, but our God is still good. Our God still performed a miracle right before our eyes and that is what we have to (and encourage you to) focus on. I've had days that I just cry out to God and beg him to show me why this happened. Why didn't you save my son? Why did you take him away from me? Why us? In the midst of my questioning, I stop and begin to actually listen. It is then that I hear...He was mine first. Jordan fulfilled his purpose on Earth and now it is up to you and Joey to carry on his legacy. Is that what I wanted to to hear? Absolutely not! However, every time I want to get angry at God, I hear the same voice. WOW. 

I have no idea what God is about to do in our lives, but we are praying with open eyes, ears and hearts that we be obedient to Him. The enemy doesn't want me to tell Jordan's story (which is probably why it has taken me so long to post this). He doesn't want God to get the glory...which is all the more reason for us to #fightthroughit. The days are hard and the nights are long, but we WILL get through this. The same God that got us through 8 months is the same God that will get us through this tough time. I get angry, frustrated, and downright depressed...but deep in my heart I know that God is still good and that we have to keep telling Jordan's story. My baby never left the hospital, yet he touched thousands of lives...I am one proud mama. 

We haven't gotten around to individual thank you notes (they are coming) but once again we say THANK YOU. You all are awesome. There is so much ugliness in the world, but it is during times such as these we are reminded that good people do exist. The prayers, texts, calls, cards, gifts, flowers...everything...thank you!! The other day I was showing my sister some of the gifts we have received and she said "Y'all have received some of the most thoughtful gifts!" It's true and we thank you. I ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. Please pray for peace and understanding. Pray for our strength as we continue to #fightthroughit. Pray that we be obedient to God as we enter this chapter of our lives. 

We love y'all

Joey & NaToya

Jordan's Journey

I feel like I always preface my blogs with "I know it's been a while since I last updated"..so let's just get that out of the way. It's not that I haven't had time, it's more so me trying to find the right words to say. 

Jordan's Stats: 

Age: 6 months actual, 2.5 months adjusted 

Weight: 10lb 6oz 

Whew! We've been at this for 184 days...6 months...half a year! That's insane! Many ask how we do it and my answer remains the same..."God's grace is sufficient." He has given us everything and everyone we need to get through this journey. There are days when I feel like no one understands what we are going through. Like at the end of the day, we are the ones who have to go home without our baby. There is no sense of normalcy...none. Our lives were flipped upside down within 48 hours. We didn't have time to prepare for this. We did everything "right" and still ended up in this situation. These are just a few thoughts that I have daily. But again I say, God's grace is sufficient. 

This journey has taught me a lot about myself. My faith has grown tremendously and many things just have a new meaning. I now know what it truly means to take things "one day at a time". I'm such a planner and this whole ordeal has thrown me for a loop. You mean you can't give me deadlines? Timelines? A schedule of events? LOL!! (Just my style). I have little chats with God all throughout the day. I have learned to tell him exactly what I need, but also ask that His will be done. That's really hard because I always struggle with my will vs His will. What if they don't align? That's a rhetorical question. I often picture this scenario in my head. It may seem silly, but it gets me through. I cry out to God. While holding a coffee cup (because I love coffee, duh!) He pours me a little grace  and adds a dash of strength. He pours me just enough to get through each day, sometimes just enough for the next hour. I thank Him for what He's done and we start over the next day. I ask, He pours. You see the pattern? My cup runneth over! I'm reminded of a hymn we use to sing, "He'll pour you out a blessing...you won't have room to receive". So even on the toughest days I rest in the fact that I KNOW God's grace is sufficient. There's never been a day that I felt like God left us...never.  

Ok enough about me. Half of you have stopped reading because you came here to read an update on Jordan LOL! But, I needed to share that with you. 

There are many things about Jordan that I have yet to share and I'm certain that's why many of you wonder why he's still hospitalized. Here we go: Jordan was born extremely premature (25 weeks). Not only was he premature, but he extremely small for a 25 weeker...he was approximately the size of maybe a 21-22 weeker. Crazy, right? So taking all of that into consideration, we can assume that his lungs were severely underdeveloped. Immediately after birth, he was placed on a ventilator to assist him in breathing. The vent is a blessing and a curse, as it damaged his already premature lungs ...but, he needed the support. See? Nothing is black and white ::sigh:: So right now Jordan's lungs are healing. Yes, they've healed a bit, but they still have a ways to go. When I really think about it, I'm like wow..6 months is actually a short amount of time when you look at everything he's been through. I'd still be recovering too! Oh, and let's not forget he had a heart surgery when he was only 3 lbs! My baby is a true fighter and we could not be more proud! We've had meetings with our neonatologist, pulmonologist & cardiologist. No matter how many questions we have, the answer is still the same ...time & good nutrition. THAT is what Jordan needs. The more he grows, the more his lungs will grow. I'm sure you're saying well he's 10lbs! Yes, he is quite the chunk, but he has to keep growing. The good thing is, he is progressing...and that's what matters most. It's hard to [not] focus on the time, but we have to remember how far he's come. Many did not expect Jordan to make it through delivery, or the first night...but God! He had a very rocky few weeks and a very tough recovery after surgery...but God. So even though we want our baby boy home, we have to be patient. (I'm secretly rolling my eyes because patience is not my strong area)....but what other choice do we have? I have to tell myself "If you were 1lb 1oz you would still need a little oxygen support too!" So where do we go from here? We wait. We give him the oxygen he needs while his lungs continue to grow. We don't know how long it's going to take and we certainly don't want to rush him. We know what steps he has to take to come home, but we have absolutely no idea how long that will take. I wish I could say that he's coming home on September 24th at 12:30pm LOL but no one knows. So yes I cringe a little bit inside everytime I'm asked but please know that we honestly do not know. Every baby is different and every day in the NICU is different. 

Thank you for your constant prayers and your support. God speaks to many of you because on the toughest days I'll receive an uplifting text...thank you! Please continue to pray that Jordan's lungs get stronger by the day so we can decrease his oxygen support. I also ask that you pray that his heart continues to function the way it's suppose to. Lastly, I ask that you pray for our strength...mama and daddy are still adjusting to this new normal. Thanks so much! We love y'all! 

Love, 

Joey, NaToya and Jordan Sanders