So
stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
There's no sugar coating it. This is the hardest thing I've ever
done. But with the help of God, family, friends, and literally hundreds of
prayer warriors (you guys), we WILL get through this and we will come out
stronger than ever.
I'm having a hard time processing my feelings. Hospitals,
Doctors, nurses, numbers and medical terms have become my life. I hear
incubators beeping in my sleep. I'm able to covert grams to pounds and ounces
in my head. I never thought this would be my life...but it is. And then...I
feel guilty for these thoughts. I feel guilty because several babies didn't
make it. How dare I complain about my new normal when someone is grieving the
loss of their child? Does that make me ungrateful? I don't know--- that's
exactly what I'm struggling with. I ask God for forgiveness because I'm truly
thankful. I could never EVER express my sincere gratitude...but I'm still human
and humans have feelings. So I need help and prayer in this area. Prayer that I
slowly learn how to process my feelings ... Because keeping them bottled inside
is no good for me or anyone else.
Earlier this week I had a follow up appointment to check my
blood pressure. Basically the doctor said that due to the type of surgery I
had, my recovery will be longer (about 2 more months). I knew c section recovery was longer, but I was cut horizontally and vertically so it will take a little longer. In addition, I'm anemic
so I've been having dizzy spells. Everyone says "sit down",
"take care of yourself" etc. This is all true---but I honestly think
I've been doing a decent job lol. I go to the hospital and back home. It's very
difficult to focus on me and rest when my baby is in the NICU. But, I will
continue to take care of myself because I have to be well for Jordan.
I have to take a moment to brag on my husband. Joey has been my
rock through it all. I'll save all the sappy phrases but each day I thank God
for sending me such a wonderful man. Jordan and I are truly blessed to have such a strong man in our lives. He's such a proud daddy. I never knew I could love him more, but when I see how he interacts with Jordan...my heart melts.
Please continue to pray for our strength. Each day I tell myself [in
the words of Kendrick Lamar] "we gone be alright"
xx
nrs
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