I'm not okay...

Today makes one month without my sweet, happy, juicy Jordan. I don't know why it has taken me so long to finish this (obviously I started on the 30th) but here we are...still standing. To say this year has been stressful is an understatement. Yesterday I made a vow to myself. I will stop lying ::gasp:: yes, I've been lying to everyone and it's time to face the truth. I often get the dreaded question, "How are you?" I [typically] answer with, "I'm fine..taking it day by day." I am taking it day by day, but I am not okay. No, I'm not and I think that is perfectly fine. 

I just lost my son...I'm not okay. 

Even a "good" day is a bad day...

As much as I hated the beeps and dings of the NICU, I miss it...

I long for days and nights rocking my little cuddle bug...

One more hug, kiss, smile...

My pregnancy was cut short...

I'll never experience a natural delivery...

I will not be able to plan a Super Jordan themed 1st birthday party... 

The person that grew inside of me and made me a mom is no longer on Earth, but in Heaven...

Even though I smile and say "I'm fine"...I'm really not okay 

...but I will be. 

Jordan was and will always be part of our lives. He made us parents and we are so honored. The outcome is not what we expected or prayed for, but our God is still good. Our God still performed a miracle right before our eyes and that is what we have to (and encourage you to) focus on. I've had days that I just cry out to God and beg him to show me why this happened. Why didn't you save my son? Why did you take him away from me? Why us? In the midst of my questioning, I stop and begin to actually listen. It is then that I hear...He was mine first. Jordan fulfilled his purpose on Earth and now it is up to you and Joey to carry on his legacy. Is that what I wanted to to hear? Absolutely not! However, every time I want to get angry at God, I hear the same voice. WOW. 

I have no idea what God is about to do in our lives, but we are praying with open eyes, ears and hearts that we be obedient to Him. The enemy doesn't want me to tell Jordan's story (which is probably why it has taken me so long to post this). He doesn't want God to get the glory...which is all the more reason for us to #fightthroughit. The days are hard and the nights are long, but we WILL get through this. The same God that got us through 8 months is the same God that will get us through this tough time. I get angry, frustrated, and downright depressed...but deep in my heart I know that God is still good and that we have to keep telling Jordan's story. My baby never left the hospital, yet he touched thousands of lives...I am one proud mama. 

We haven't gotten around to individual thank you notes (they are coming) but once again we say THANK YOU. You all are awesome. There is so much ugliness in the world, but it is during times such as these we are reminded that good people do exist. The prayers, texts, calls, cards, gifts, flowers...everything...thank you!! The other day I was showing my sister some of the gifts we have received and she said "Y'all have received some of the most thoughtful gifts!" It's true and we thank you. I ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. Please pray for peace and understanding. Pray for our strength as we continue to #fightthroughit. Pray that we be obedient to God as we enter this chapter of our lives. 

We love y'all

Joey & NaToya